Regular Human Beings
Hi there. We’re regular human beings. We’re everywhere. Sometimes you “creative types” get mad at us, just for being ourselves. That’s kind of unfair, but hey, we forgive you. You’re probably just having a bad day. That happens to us too sometimes, believe it or not. In our defense, we can’t help it if we’re taking up more space than necessary on the subway. Nobody explained to us what you’re supposed to do on one of those things. This whole “subway” thing is still kind of a novelty to us. They don’t have subways where we come from, unless you’re talking about Subways like Jared from Subway (that was a joke we would make). ((We love Jared from Subway)).
Hey, that reminds us. You barely know anything about us. It’s our fault. We usually just keep pretty quiet around you guys anyway, since we’re just not as… expressive as you are! So, in the interest of full disclosure, here’s a guide to what we’re like so you won’t find yourself so upset at us all the time:
A little known fact about us regular human beings is we like music just as much as you do! I know that might be hard to believe, since you spend so much time talking about and debating it, not to mention spending such a huge portion of your income on records (wow! they still have those?!) and concert (we like to call it a “concert”) tickets. But it’s true! We like music! Just as much as you do!
When we hear a song we like, we like that song in the same exact way as you like a song whenever you like a song that you like! It’s music! Music that we like! It’s just that we aren’t preoccupied with whether it’s good or not. We either like hearing something or we don’t. What sort of music do we like? All sorts of music! You know, everything. Everything but country. And also: a lot of us love country music. We don’t know.
Why do you ask? It’s music. Music is great. We love music. We’re sorry if that’s not enough for you. Sometimes we think about whether or not we should be “better” at liking music, but then it just seems kind of silly. If something is good, we’ll probably eventually hear it. And if we like it, great! We love liking things.
Oh cool, a record store! They still have these? We did not know that. We like the idea of a record store because we’re not great at computers so it’s good to see when something is still a thing instead of a website you have to go to on the internet. But we don’t have a turntable anymore, most of us never did. We wouldn’t even know where to start with the whole “I listen to records” thing. We don’t even really know how one works except from what we see on TV about rap DJs. We know about scratching. Scritch-scratch, that’s how you play records. Anyway, we have CD’s and iPods now. We don’t need records.
We just buy CD’s at Target and play them in the car. And then at home we put on one of the music stations we get from DirecTV. We like “Smooth Hits,” but sometimes “Hot Jams” is good too. A lot of the time our favorite music to hear is “Peace and Quiet” LOL! We have an iPod. We use it to work out. One time we were listening to LMFAO “Sexy and I Know It” on our iPod while we were working out and it came on the gym’s loudspeaker at the same time! Talk about LMFAO!
If you ask us if we like art, we will tell you of course we like art. Art is important because without it you would have less things to look at. We like to go to art museums when we visit our friends and family. Our favorite? Ummm who’s the guy with the tiny little dots? We just saw that one when our cousin was in town. You know, that one painting from Ferris Bueller. It’s so crazy to think about all those tiny little dots. A lot of art is kind of just boring, but that tiny little dots thing is really something else.
We don’t mean “boring,” it’s just, you know, we don’t know anything about art. We don’t know what a chiaroscuro or a Titian or any of those things are. You know, we just like to look at the paintings and have it be nice and quiet and check out all the thousands of tiny dots and then go home and take a nap. We don’t know what you’re supposed to get out of it. Sometimes we hear one of those tour group leaders talking about perspective and things like that, and it just sounds like some kind of a foreign language. We just look at the art and if we like it we like it. That’s enough for us.
Oh, you mean like “modern” art? Yeah some of it’s good, we guess, we just don’t really understand it a lot of the time. I mean, just some squares? We could paint that. It’s still nice, it’s just most of the time it’s like you’re supposed to look at these squares and see, like, the atomic bomb or something, and to us it’s just squares the whole time. Like “looking at a square, looking at a brown square.” We read the description that says it’s really about AIDS, and then we go back and stare at it, really try to see all that extra stuff, but we’re probably just not that smart. It’s just squares to us. It’s frustrating.
One time we asked a 12 year old nephew what he thought of some modern art and he called it “bull (you know what).” We couldn’t help but laugh because it was so funny even though we didn’t approve of the language. From the mouths of babes, right? We would never go so far as to use the “S” word on something that somebody probably really cares about a lot, but sometimes it does seem like those squares are just squares. Maybe that’s the point, we don’t know. One thing we DO know: it seems a little crazy to spend a whole bunch of time and effort trying to figure out whether or not you like squares. That’s why we usually just stick to the paintings of things.
This is a pretty good answer to the whole relentless hipster-hating phenomenon. Maybe that’s the point, we don’t know. One thing we DO know: it seems a little crazy to spend a whole bunch of time and effort trying to figure out whether or not you like squares. Triangles are way cooler, obviously.